Frosty the Snow Man

As the we get closer to the day when everyone tries too hard to fulfill an unreachable level of tranquility and happiness, I figured I would spend this week watching Christmas themed shows. If you missed yesterday, I revisited my old friend Inspector Gadget. There are so many beloved holiday movies and shows. Personally, I watch It’s A Wonderful Life every year and do a drunken Jimmy Stewart by myself “Maaaaahrrry! Maaaaahrry! It’s meeah! Juoorge Baaahley!” One of the classics is Frosty the Snowman. For over 40 years it has remained a classic that is played on CBS never being replaced by a new special, much to the delight of Jimmy Durante’s big nosed decedents. Grab a corn cob pipe and a seat for a holiday classic.

0:18- “A snow that made the happy, happy. And the giddy, even giddier.” And the homeless people dead, deader than ever.

0:34- Yeah, any child or annoying snowboard. “Fresh pow pow on the mow mow, brah!”

0:46- The first snow is on Christmas? Where on earth is this guy? Houston?

1:01- It’s Christmas eve and these kids are still in school. Heartless? Sure, but I bet we didn’t rank behind Lithuania in math back then.

1:11- Awww man. These kids are in school on Christmas eve and have to sit throw a magic show? Do you have no heart lady?! She is making Ebenezer Scrooge look like a real philanthropist.

1:40- I’m pretty sure the magician is drunk.

2:04- I’m pretty sure the rabbit is coked out.

2:20- Three o’clock? It’s wasn’t even a half day? No wonder older generations resent the young.

2:51- These kids had to have set a record for fastest snowman ever built. Somebody get Guinness on the phone!

3:01- I think these kids were too quick to shoot down Oatmeal as the snowman’s name. I like it. Way to think outside of the box little guy. I’m naming my next dog Oatmeal.

3:05- Frosty? Wow. Way to go, blondie. This chick probably grew up and named her kid Jackson.

3:27- Got to hand it to them, the song is catchy. I still would have liked to hear a dry run of, “Oatmeal the snowman has a holly jolly soul…”

3:43- Ahh haha! Frosty’s first words are “Happy Birthday!” If I hadn’t seen this a million times I would guess the next 20 minutes are going to play out like Young Frankenstein.

4:20- I’m pretty sure these kids don’t understand rights of ownership.

4:32- Good luck playing Vegas with those substance abuse problems, Magician. You’ll be face down dead on Fremont street by May.

4:48- …And that magic isn’t entertaining.

5:44- Please, Mr. Durante, make clearer how the hat belongs to Frosty and the children just because they put it on the head of a snowman with a head injury.

6:30- “Happy Birthday!” Hahaha. I know it’s wrong to laugh at the mentally disabled, but Jesus that’s funny. I’m waiting for him to ask the kids if they have seen his baseball.

6:35- Happy Birthday were his first words? Pretty weird. Almost as weird as him speaking in full sentences right away.

7:18- At one point does Frosty realize his own mortality?

8:20- Wow, that was fast. It only took him a minute to realize his own mortality. You know what? I gave Frosty a bad rap after all that “Happy Birthday” talk. He’s a pretty sharp dude.

8:45- I’m totally throwing myself a parade when I find out I’m going to die.

10:16- Easy, Frosty. If Youtube has taught me anything it’s that cops are itching to pepper spray civilians, no matter how jolly they maybe. I have a feeling pepper spay will melt you faster than the sun, my friend.

                                         "Happy Birth--Ahhh Jesus! MY EYES! MY EYES!"

11:35- $3,000.04? So train travel was cost effective at one point in time.

11:41- These kids don’t understand commerce either? What the hell was that teacher doing all day? Was it just shitty magicians for seven hours?

12:23- Hop that train, Frosty, and live out every college student whoever read Kerouac’s fantasy.

12:43- Oh yeah, it’s a real neat way to travel. With all the theft, and violence, and rape, and risk of death. Why I might just hop a train home for Christmas this year!

12:55- WHAT THE FUCK! The little girl is hoping the train too! This is not going to end well, little girl.

13:08- Goodbye, Frosty. Goodbye, Coked-out Rabbit. Goodbye, Little Girl’s Innocence.

13:25- “Think nasty, think nasty, think nasty…” This girl is totally getting sold into sex slavery.

13:42- “A refrigerated box car is a splendid way to travel!” How was there not a huge spike in child disappearances after this aired? It was another 17 years before Punky Brewster tackled the damage this special caused.

14:05- That chill you feel isn’t just the cold, little girl.

15:10- There is some really Donner Party shit about to go down.

16:30- Thank God these woodland creatures were in the scouts!

17:31- Why didn’t you think of NOT PUTTING A CHILD IN A REFRDIGERATED BOXCAR before either?

18:12- Smart move, Magician. Apparently, magic prevents you from dying of exposure.

19:17- You are not the first to die a little at the hands of a blonde, Frosty.

19:25- Crash diets never work, Frosty.

20:04- If I was Santa I would be pretty pissed I had to bail out this stupid kid on the busiest day of the year. If my kid is ever in jail on a busy day I’m going to leave them there.

20:33- Ahh man, Frosty died. I told you not to crash diet and now you’re just like Anna Nicole Smith.

21:57- A friend that almost got you killed!

22:32- I’m going to guess that the Magician was going to get coal anyway.

23:00- I think you should make Frosty write, “I am very sorry for almost killing a little girl.” A hundred-zillion times.

23:32- “Happy Birthday!” He was dead for awhile. I have a feeling this time he may actually be brain damaged.

24:01- Santa dropped the little girl off on the roof? Hasn’t she been through enough already? She should be in a hospital for Christ sake.

24:15- Frosty returned every year. How many endangering the welfare of minor charges did he rack up? Well at least the song is catchy, “Oatmeal the snowman…”