30 Minute Meals Season 19 episode 27 "Casual New Year's Meals"

I’ve never been a great cook. Sure, I came in second place in the St. Pat’s Parish Chili Cook-Off of 1999 and I can make a mean grilled cheese, but true culinary prowess was never passed down to me. As I’m writing this I am eating a corndog in a bar. That’s right, I went out to get a corn dog instead of using a microwave for 90 seconds. Despite my ineptitude I really do enjoy the culinary arts. Whenever I travel I make sure to eat the best, and life threatening, food the city has to offer. Also, like many Americans, I enjoy watching The Food Network like it’s porn, delicious, gravy covered porn. Today I figured I would put my snark to good use and learn how to make a dish from the chubby armed culinary Godess, Rachel Ray. Let me put down the corndog and pick up a new recipe.

0:09- “Need a reason to stay in this New Year’s Eve? Look no further.” Who is looking for a reason to stay in on the biggest party day of the year? I guess that sounded better than, “Are you completely alone for New Year's? Well I’m going to teach you how to eat your feelings!”

0:53- Man, Rachel Ray talks with her hands a lot. I think this maybe the only cooking show that would be enhanced by 3D. Food Network, holla atcha boy.

                                                      "That spatula is coming right for us!"
1:04- You think this show could afford appliances that didn’t look like they were pulled from the Simpson’s kitchen.

1:31- “They’ll weep a little as they defrost.” Just like the audience of this show when the ball drops.

2:08- I’m pretty sure anyone who sees those arms knows you love burgers, Rachel.

3:42- You didn’t have a New Year’s date until your 30s? See, Sad-People-Who-Eat-Their-Feelings there is hope for you yet. All you have to do is get your own cooking show, wash Oprah’s feet, and then you to can find happiness after your baby maker has died just like Rachel Ray.

4:44- She is really over using the word “casual.” Is this code for some kind of swingers party? (Note: If you are throwing a New Year’s swinger party DO NOT serve Mexican food.)

5:33- With the long pauses and boring, one sided anecdotes I feel like I’m on a bad first date.

7:18- That oil drizzle is really driving the whole porn motif home.

8:08- Was Rachel Ray abused by a measuring cup as a kid? It’s all splashes of this and palmfuls of that. And I haven’t seen her wash her hands once! Yep, just a nice casual New Year’s on the toilet with food poisoning.

8:58- Ugh. If the oil drizzle didn’t nail the porn motif, Rachel fingering the bacon sure is.

10:39- It only took half the show, but she if finally washing her hands. Unfortunately, I think the damage to your guests digestive system has already been done.

11:35- Yeah, press that meat. It’s good to know those chubby arms aren’t for nothing.

15:35- I hope to God I don’t have friends that will ever say the phrase, “Happy New Years and Happy Stomach!”

17:00- The pauses are getting longer and the anecdotes are even more boring than before. Check please!

18:11- “Colossal! Colossal Shrimp, get it!” Jesus Christ, where is that waiter?!

20:17- A talking dinner roll?! Seriously?! I thought this show was for adults. You are insulting my intelligence.

21:12- Haha. She capped the show off by drinking alone. I figured it out, casual wasn’t code for swinger it was definitely code for lonely.