Alfred Hitchcock Presents Season 4 Episode 25 "The Kind Waitress"

It was way easier to be fat back in the “Old Days.” Sure, Americans are waaaay fatter now, but fat people in the public eye are, by and large, marginalized. Whenever an overweight person over comes our collective vanity and rises to fame (eg. Jennifer Hudson) they then lose a bunch of weight. This confuses me for a number of reasons. First of all, the fact that fat people are chastised in one of the fattest countries in the world proves that, as Americans, we hate ourselves. Secondly, if you are a fat American and somehow manage to succeed in the public eye, STAY FAT! You have the power now. Put on your muumuu and fat guy hat, you earned it. You never saw a slimmed down Fatty Arbuckle on billboards. He was too busy enjoy the spoils of his fame. You think WWII would have ended well if Winston Churchill spent half the day in the gym? Hitler was a thin, vegetarian and was crushed by the Allied forces. Probably could have used a little more fat and protein. And how weird would it be to see a svelte Alfred Hitchcock fail to fill in his outline on Alfred Hitchcock Presents? Today I felt the need to celebrate the rotund and am going to watch an episode called, “The Kind Waitress.”  I bet she didn’t judge, America, every time Hitchock ordered another full pie for himself.

                                                          Losing weight is for the birds.

0:13- This theme music sounds like how a fat guy would walk.

0:42- All three men on screen are wearing suits and Hitchock says, “As you can see, informality is the rule.” Man times have changed. The only time I see three men in a suit is at a wedding, funeral, or a job interview I’m not qualified for.

1:02- His favorite part is that, “No one pays any attention to you.” Hitchock was quite the diva.

1:17- One minute appetizer? That sounds like a terrible Applebees promotion.

1:52- Is this a costume department snafu or did all servers wear the “drunk-at-3-am-diner waitress” uniform in the 60’s?

1:54- Employees are having a conversation of concern over a regular that hasn’t showed up yet. Sadly, I had this exact same conversation yesterday at work. Some day you’ll make me a star blog, some day.

1:57- Thank God, she came. Call off the APB!

2:46- No, I just sell it to teens.

2:55- “I’m 38, pretty old for a child.” Yeah, pretty old for a waitress too.

3:08- Yeah, go ahead and grab a seat during the dinner rush! This chick is soooo getting fired.

4:48- The waitress is the rich old ladies only benefactor? Man, and I was thrilled with a $15 tip yesterday.

5:10- Goddamn, the clarinet was cool. How come no one plays it anymore besides old dudes outside of baseball stadiums?

6:10- “A six piece combo and me on a licorice stick!” Is that some sort of 60’s sex euphemism?

7:05- This chick brought you a roast beef sandwich and is going out to buy you beer for only a kiss, but you won’t marry her until she actually gets the inheritance? You are making Don Draper look Ward Clever, Licorice Man.

7:28- “You know some night she is going to die right in the middle of dinner?” I guess the Tiramisu really was to die for. Zing!

8:50- I know they wanted Licorice Man to sound nefarious when he said, “She is taking much too long to die.” But anyone who has ever had a family member in a nursing home has heard that phrase numerous times. The high cost of barely living…

9:16- Is this guy talking about death panels? Lousy democrat.

9:46- This guy is way too experienced with Munchausen techniques.

10:48- Ahhhh, the good ol’ days when men could tell women to just shut up and not get their dicks cut off.

12:14- This guy was making meth waaaaaaaaay before Walt White got cancer.

15:39- If a dying lady gets that dressed up it only means one thing, she ordered a gigolo.

16:56- “I’m taking back my picture.” HAHA! Dating rituals sure have changed.

19:48- “I’m not a child! I’m 38 years old!” I had no idea Mike Gundy  was a fan of Hitchcock.

20:12- Well, there went your tip.

22:35- I’ve seen enough episodes of Law & Order to know how this hearing is going to play out. I’m sure with your 20+ years of serving experience they set you with a nice job in the prison cafeteria.

23:43- WHHHHAAAAT! The “poison” they were giving her was the only thing keeping her alive! What a switch. Suck on that M. Night Shamalamadingdong.