Are You There, Chelsea? Season 1 Pilot

I grew up in a family were there was a T.V. in every room and it was always on. Today when I go to my Dad’s house I can stand in one particular spot and hear a terrible TLC reality show, a terrible History Channel reality show, and a terrible MTV reality show all at once. It’s a bit maddening. However, this culture of compulsive T.V. consumption has led me to this blog today. Looking back I can’t believe some of the shit I used to watch. I actually watched the first season of The Tracy Morgan Show. I didn’t even like it, but it was on and I didn’t want to do homework. Today, in this video-on-demand, Netflix instant stream world I rarely watch anything consistently I don’t like, unless my roommate is in the throes of a Star Trek: Deep Space Nine binge, and I certainly don’t watch new multi-camera network sitcoms. Given the universal disdain of NBC’s new Wednesday comedy block I figured this would be the perfect time to reconnect with my roots and watch the pilot of NBC’s latest wrong move, Are You There, Chelsea? I have a feeling by the end of this I will be reaching for the vodka.

0:24- Twenty-four seconds in and they already cued up the laugh track. This is going to be rough.

0:36- The tall chick from That 70s Show has had some work done.

0:54- Whoa. A girl-on-what-I-assume-is-a-girl kiss. Sooooo edgy for 1995. Wait, it’s what year? I never would have known given the first minute of this show.

1:43- Chelsea Handler in a brown wig not playing Chelsea Handler while the tall chick from That 70s Show plays Chelsea Handler. This won’t be distracting at all.

3:02- What? No, classic sitcom theme song?! If you are going to play up painfully dated sitcom stereotypes you can at least give me my favorite part! I could write one for you write now, NBC. She's young and kind of hot. And she likes to drink a lot. Are you there, Chelsea? When life gets her down. She shots some Crown. Are you there, Chelsea? You’re welcome.

4:27- I’m sure it was you both wanting to be on top that kept you and the handsome haired bartender from hooking up. Not whiskey dick, nope, just your shared affinity for being able to watch T.V. while you bone.

4:37- They are fighting over who gets to answer the phone. Who are they The Animaniacs?

5:31- Well what do you know? Chelsea gets a DUI and now an apartment a block away from the bar is available. When God closes a door he enables an alcoholic.

6:06- It’s good to see Kimmy Gibbler is still getting work.

6:48- “It’s giving me lady wood.” I think there may have been another reason things didn’t work out between her and the bartender.

7:10- “I was such an idiot to major in journalism.” You and I both, girlfriend. You want to start a blog with me?

7:35- Kimmy Gibbler telling the interrupting cow knock-knock joke was by far the best joke on this show.

7:57- Man, Lenny Clarke has had some work done too. What’s up, Tommy Bahama?

9:08- Hand job joke! Man, that is sooo edgy for 2002. Wait, what year is it again?

12:40- I’m beginning to think Kimmy Gibbler had a head injury.

13:18- Using Pikachu as a vagina euphemism just ruined Pokemon for all the people who have never seen a Pikachu.

13:48- And once again we have two Chelseas on screen. Hey, that’s not a bad idea for a T.V. show. Like Patty Duke. Hey, if you’re going to make a dated sitcom might as well go full on with it.

                      It's going to take something a lot stronger than a hot dog to get Chelsea to lose control.

16:20- “It’s been awhile since my bottom half smiled.” I bet not as long as my top half.

18:46- A prom dumpster baby joke. That is sooo edgy for- jesus, that’s just crass.

19:29- Awwwww, she named the baby Sylvia. What a coincidence, because this show makes me want to put my head in an oven.

19:55- So, I guess their mom is dead? Does this show have some depth? Oh wait, poop joke. Never mind.

20:56- It’s a sad day when the thing I liked best about a show is Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” playing at the end of it.

21:29- Ahhh shucks. It’s the androgynous coach from Glee that Chelsea made out with in jail. I do love a happy ending.