Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown.

By the age of 25, I have developed somewhat of a reputation of being a real life Charlie Brown. I’m sure it has more to do with my persistent existential crisis and less to do with my abilities to kick field goals. Also, owning an uber cool basset hound probably doesn’t help distance myself from down trodden cartoon comparisons. Since it is Valentine’s Day I figured I should embrace love and public opinion about me by watching Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown. I hope Chuck can find love on Valentine’s, but if he is anything like me when I was younger he’ll probably just end up hanging out with Linus and Shroeder convincing himself that Peppermint Patty isn’t that bad. Good grief…

0:15- Charlie Brown is waiting by the mailbox for the mailman to show up. It’s mind blowing to think people ever waited for the mail. Yesterday, my smart phone took 1 second to load my twitter feed and I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

0:34- Just over half a minute in and a patented Charlie Brown sigh. This is going to make Ralph Wiggum in the Valentine’s episode of The Simpson’s look like he got a fair shake. I don’t think anyone is going to CHO-CHO-CHOOSE Chuck.

Sidebar: How come the heartbroken foils of both cartoons are bald children? And what kind of kids are bald? Cancer kids, that’s who. What kind of monsters are in these schools that they don’t even give a pity valentine to the cancer kid? I mean Lisa did, but then later she ripped Ralph’s heart in half on national television. If either one got Make-A-Wish on the phone they wouldn’t ask to go to Disney Land just to have a peer of the opposite sex treat them with respect. That, or some super violent video game. I mean they are young boys.

1:00- Damn, Snoopy knows archery? Charlie Brown is one hell of a dog trainer. It took me 6 months just to get my basset to learn to chew up my roommates possessions and not my own.

1:35- Careful what you wish for, Linus. If Miss Othmar really does like you, you may end up on Nancy Grace and Miss Othmar will end up in medium security womens prison.

1:52- “You want me to pound the erasers?” Ok. Things are getting a little Letourneauy in here.

                                       Mary Kay has been having students "pound erasers" for years.

2:44- “I feel like I could spend my whole life here and never get a valentine!” Yeah, well it’s kind of hard to meet chicks at the mail box, Chuck. The only guys that try to pick up women at the mailbox are serial killers. Haven’t you seen Law & Order: SVU?

3:43- Lucy being ignored by Shroeder as he plays the piano should have been a cautionary tale for every girl who wanted to date a musician.

3:57- “Are you sure you want to suffer the tortures of a memory of a lost love?” Of course he does, he is a musician!

6:18- Wow, Snoopy is trained to take tickets, work concessions, and seat people. If my dog could do all of that I wouldn’t have to pay a staff for my next show. Then again, it seems pretty evil of Charlie Brown to have this smart of a dog and only use him as a personal slave. Shouldn’t he donate Snoopy to be a service dog and help someone in need? You’re an asshole, Charlie Brown. That should be the name of all of these specials.

7:12- Apparently, Gallagher is the opening act.

7:20- Now Snoopy is performing puppet theater! Charlie Brown is the Joe Jackson of Peanuts.

9:08- “In this big class someone is sure to give me a valentine.” Ugh, why don’t you just say, “I like these odds. Hey hey hey.” You creep.

9:47- These Brown kids have a lot of anxiety. Has anyone at Social Services made a wellness check?

12:08- It has been my experience that the kid who brings a brief case to school is not getting a valentine.

12:24- “I can’t get my valentine in the box!” Man, Linus is heavy on the innuendo.

15:05- Damn, Charlie Brown. Even the black kid and Pigpen got a valentine. What did you do to alienate your whole class? Does Charlie Brown have some sort of nefarious back story I’m not aware of? Did he lose everyone’s money in a ponzi scheme? I guess that’s how he could afford all those classes for Snoopy.

17:51- Oh no, Miss Othmar broke Linus’s heart and he’s headed towards the bridge. Don’t do it, Linus! You have too much to live for! You are only 9 years old!

18:04- Oh thank God, he is only yelling at a body of water. Nice cathartic move little dude, a personal favorite of mine.

18:36- For such a smart, well trained dog Snoopy is too dumb to know that he can’t eat chocolate. This is going to be the worst Valentine’s ever when a heartbroken Charlie Brown goes home to find his best friend dead.

20:01- For someone who is depressed, Charlie Brown wakes up pretty early.

21:47- Attaboy, Shroeder! Don’t let Charlie Brown accept that pitytine.

21:53- Ahhhh dammit, Charlie Brown. Are you that insecure that you will accept a pitytine after your friend put these bitches in their place? I’m beginning to get why no one likes this kid.

22:20- The only thing missing from this scene with Linus and Charlie Brown is a bottle of Kentucky Deluxe.

22:35- Yeah, there you go Chuck! Pitytines. That’s what you want in life. At least he is talking about the future unlike Linus. Can we put Linus on suicide watch? I’m concerned.