Today is my birthday. I am now on the wrong side of 25. Most of you will see that and think, “This cat has his whole life ahead of him!” But when you are a man-child with delusions of stardom, 26 seems like a daunting number. Soon my boyish charm will be replaced by a receding hair line and an even grumpier disposition. At 25, I began going to coffee shops and I grew a beard for a short period of time. I’m terrified to know what 26 will bring. I’m worried adult rec leagues and reading Flannery O'Connor may be looming around the corner. And that my friends is a fate worse than death. In an attempt to deal with my dying youth and to celebrate my parent’s lack of understanding on how birth control worked in the mid 80’s I am going to watch an episode of 16 and Pregnant. What better way to celebrate a birth than to watch the death of someone else’s future. The ciiirrrrrrrcle of life!
0:07- This girl’s name is Felicia. I’m already not surprised she is pregnant. Note to an prospective parents out there, if you name your daughter Felicia, Mackenzie, Kaitlyn, Kaylee, Jaylee, any name with multiple vowels in a row, or a boy’s name you will be raising another baby in 15-18 years.
0:17- Awesome. Her step-dad is good with nun chucks. I feel like I am watching a Cohen Brothers movie.
0:26- “No one in my family has ever graduated high school.” Ever?! Was this episode shot in 1913? Allen Iverson spent four months in prison and still finished high school. Maybe her step-dad should have spent more time on his jump shot and less on his nun chucks.
0:43- Ooooooh, her boyfriend is a barber who is in a dance crew. How can you not give it up to a raconteur like that?
3:06- “I think I can handle it, especially since Alex is here to support me.” Has this girl never seen an after school special? Do they air those any more? Wait a second. Is 16 and Pregnant like a modern day after school special? If so, the only thing you women are learning is how to get on the cover of US Weekly without making a sex tape.
3:13- This dude is moving in?! Talk about a cock in the henhouse.
3:56- “It’ll be way different when it is out of my stomach.” She thinks the baby is in her stomach? I’m starting to understand how this girl got pregnant in the first place. Screw what conservatives says, we need waaaaaaaaaaay more sexual education in school. I bet this girl thinks she poops the baby out too. I know I did when I was in middle school.
5:51- “My older sister moved out when she got pregnant at a young age.” I knew Mexicans always valued family and tradition, but this one seems a bit excessive.
6:45- “What is wrong with your mom lately? She be trippin’ for reals.” I don’t know. Never graduating high school, having two daughter get pregnant before they can vote, a husband that is always practicing his nun chucks?! Take your pick, break dance barber.
7:57- “What are you gonna name her?” “Genesis.” “That’s a beautiful name.” Yeah, for an 80s soft rock band.
9:39- If she didn’t have the break dancing barber she would be “financially dead”? I have a feeling he isn’t just “hanging out” with his friends until 3 am if he is supporting her financially, unless the going rate for an uptown fade is now $300.
11:07- They are moving out of her mom’s house to live on their own. I’m setting the over under on when she comes back home in tears to 9.5 minutes. Place your bets.
12:58- This dude doesn’t even have sheets on his bed! How can you be so blind little lady? I can’t believe it, but I may have sympathy for someone on a reality show for the first time. Oh no, is this what is going to happen to me at 26?! I can’t care about these people. I am nothing without my snide comments! NOTHING!
16:12- Expressing yourself via text message is the 900th sign that you are too young to have a baby. We are just over five minutes and Felicia is beginning to look fed up. This one might go down to the wire gamblers.
16:21- “This isn’t the Alex I want to have a baby with?” I would hope there isn’t any Alex you want to have a baby with. Dammit, there I go caring again.
17:41- We have tears! This one might go down to the wire. Grab your betting stubs.
20:17- “Why you crying, huh?” Maybe because shoving a past due human life out of a 16 year old formally virgin vagina is a little more painful than your neck tattoos.
20:37- It’s been nine and a half minutes and she didn’t move back in with her mom. Congrats those that took the over. For those that took the under enjoy watching her throw up. I guess the fact that she is still with this dirt bag is making her sick as well.
22:10- The guy who couldn’t take the time to put on a condom is getting impatient during labor. What a shock.
23:04- I hope watching the labor ruins vagina for this Cholo forever.
24:06- Awwww, a baby girl. Do you think they will use this footage when Genesis is on season 24 of 16 And Pregnant?
25:49- The wheels spinning on some nun chuck vengeance there, step-dad?
25:55- She’s moving back in! Damn, I should have made a parlay on the time she would crack with the over under.
28:30- “I thought he was ready to be a dad.” What gave you that idea? The staying out all night or the leaving the hospital four seconds after the baby was born?
28:52- “You’ll miss out on a lot, bro.” Finally someone is going to talk some sense into this guy.
28:54- “Fifties, parties, girls.” Never mind.
29:48- “When she wasn’t pregnant it was better.” Incredible insight, barber boy. I hope he wasn’t referring exclusively to her vagina.
31:29- Wow. She almost dropped a box of diapers on the babies head. Is it possible to report this incident to child services? I bet the producers have cut Social Services phone lines to make sure that no one ruins their show.
32:18- You better be able to fit a baby in those Jordans.
32:37- “Where do you think we’ll be a year from now.” You, working at a Denny’s. Him, jail. Just call me lower class Nostradamus.
34:30- Jesus, this lady had five kids and none of them graduated high school. 1 in 3 Americans don’t graduate high school. This family is single handily skewing the statistics.
36:23- In all fairness to the break dancing barber, Taco Bell is the appropriate meal while watching someone destroy their life.
38:14- My guess is, if you two switch parenting duties little Genesis’s picture will be on Nancy Grace within a week.
40:00- Don’t worry, girl. I’m sure you will meet a nice guy with nun chucks someday that will help you raise your daughter.
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