30 Minute Meals Season 19 episode 27 "Casual New Year's Meals"

I’ve never been a great cook. Sure, I came in second place in the St. Pat’s Parish Chili Cook-Off of 1999 and I can make a mean grilled cheese, but true culinary prowess was never passed down to me. As I’m writing this I am eating a corndog in a bar. That’s right, I went out to get a corn dog instead of using a microwave for 90 seconds. Despite my ineptitude I really do enjoy the culinary arts. Whenever I travel I make sure to eat the best, and life threatening, food the city has to offer. Also, like many Americans, I enjoy watching The Food Network like it’s porn, delicious, gravy covered porn. Today I figured I would put my snark to good use and learn how to make a dish from the chubby armed culinary Godess, Rachel Ray. Let me put down the corndog and pick up a new recipe.

0:09- “Need a reason to stay in this New Year’s Eve? Look no further.” Who is looking for a reason to stay in on the biggest party day of the year? I guess that sounded better than, “Are you completely alone for New Year's? Well I’m going to teach you how to eat your feelings!”

0:53- Man, Rachel Ray talks with her hands a lot. I think this maybe the only cooking show that would be enhanced by 3D. Food Network, holla atcha boy.

                                                      "That spatula is coming right for us!"
1:04- You think this show could afford appliances that didn’t look like they were pulled from the Simpson’s kitchen.

1:31- “They’ll weep a little as they defrost.” Just like the audience of this show when the ball drops.

2:08- I’m pretty sure anyone who sees those arms knows you love burgers, Rachel.

3:42- You didn’t have a New Year’s date until your 30s? See, Sad-People-Who-Eat-Their-Feelings there is hope for you yet. All you have to do is get your own cooking show, wash Oprah’s feet, and then you to can find happiness after your baby maker has died just like Rachel Ray.

4:44- She is really over using the word “casual.” Is this code for some kind of swingers party? (Note: If you are throwing a New Year’s swinger party DO NOT serve Mexican food.)

5:33- With the long pauses and boring, one sided anecdotes I feel like I’m on a bad first date.

7:18- That oil drizzle is really driving the whole porn motif home.

8:08- Was Rachel Ray abused by a measuring cup as a kid? It’s all splashes of this and palmfuls of that. And I haven’t seen her wash her hands once! Yep, just a nice casual New Year’s on the toilet with food poisoning.

8:58- Ugh. If the oil drizzle didn’t nail the porn motif, Rachel fingering the bacon sure is.

10:39- It only took half the show, but she if finally washing her hands. Unfortunately, I think the damage to your guests digestive system has already been done.

11:35- Yeah, press that meat. It’s good to know those chubby arms aren’t for nothing.

15:35- I hope to God I don’t have friends that will ever say the phrase, “Happy New Years and Happy Stomach!”

17:00- The pauses are getting longer and the anecdotes are even more boring than before. Check please!

18:11- “Colossal! Colossal Shrimp, get it!” Jesus Christ, where is that waiter?!

20:17- A talking dinner roll?! Seriously?! I thought this show was for adults. You are insulting my intelligence.

21:12- Haha. She capped the show off by drinking alone. I figured it out, casual wasn’t code for swinger it was definitely code for lonely.

Frosty the Snow Man

As the we get closer to the day when everyone tries too hard to fulfill an unreachable level of tranquility and happiness, I figured I would spend this week watching Christmas themed shows. If you missed yesterday, I revisited my old friend Inspector Gadget. There are so many beloved holiday movies and shows. Personally, I watch It’s A Wonderful Life every year and do a drunken Jimmy Stewart by myself “Maaaaahrrry! Maaaaahrry! It’s meeah! Juoorge Baaahley!” One of the classics is Frosty the Snowman. For over 40 years it has remained a classic that is played on CBS never being replaced by a new special, much to the delight of Jimmy Durante’s big nosed decedents. Grab a corn cob pipe and a seat for a holiday classic.

0:18- “A snow that made the happy, happy. And the giddy, even giddier.” And the homeless people dead, deader than ever.

0:34- Yeah, any child or annoying snowboard. “Fresh pow pow on the mow mow, brah!”

0:46- The first snow is on Christmas? Where on earth is this guy? Houston?

1:01- It’s Christmas eve and these kids are still in school. Heartless? Sure, but I bet we didn’t rank behind Lithuania in math back then.

1:11- Awww man. These kids are in school on Christmas eve and have to sit throw a magic show? Do you have no heart lady?! She is making Ebenezer Scrooge look like a real philanthropist.

1:40- I’m pretty sure the magician is drunk.

2:04- I’m pretty sure the rabbit is coked out.

2:20- Three o’clock? It’s wasn’t even a half day? No wonder older generations resent the young.

2:51- These kids had to have set a record for fastest snowman ever built. Somebody get Guinness on the phone!

3:01- I think these kids were too quick to shoot down Oatmeal as the snowman’s name. I like it. Way to think outside of the box little guy. I’m naming my next dog Oatmeal.

3:05- Frosty? Wow. Way to go, blondie. This chick probably grew up and named her kid Jackson.

3:27- Got to hand it to them, the song is catchy. I still would have liked to hear a dry run of, “Oatmeal the snowman has a holly jolly soul…”

3:43- Ahh haha! Frosty’s first words are “Happy Birthday!” If I hadn’t seen this a million times I would guess the next 20 minutes are going to play out like Young Frankenstein.

4:20- I’m pretty sure these kids don’t understand rights of ownership.

4:32- Good luck playing Vegas with those substance abuse problems, Magician. You’ll be face down dead on Fremont street by May.

4:48- …And that magic isn’t entertaining.

5:44- Please, Mr. Durante, make clearer how the hat belongs to Frosty and the children just because they put it on the head of a snowman with a head injury.

6:30- “Happy Birthday!” Hahaha. I know it’s wrong to laugh at the mentally disabled, but Jesus that’s funny. I’m waiting for him to ask the kids if they have seen his baseball.

6:35- Happy Birthday were his first words? Pretty weird. Almost as weird as him speaking in full sentences right away.

7:18- At one point does Frosty realize his own mortality?

8:20- Wow, that was fast. It only took him a minute to realize his own mortality. You know what? I gave Frosty a bad rap after all that “Happy Birthday” talk. He’s a pretty sharp dude.

8:45- I’m totally throwing myself a parade when I find out I’m going to die.

10:16- Easy, Frosty. If Youtube has taught me anything it’s that cops are itching to pepper spray civilians, no matter how jolly they maybe. I have a feeling pepper spay will melt you faster than the sun, my friend.

                                         "Happy Birth--Ahhh Jesus! MY EYES! MY EYES!"

11:35- $3,000.04? So train travel was cost effective at one point in time.

11:41- These kids don’t understand commerce either? What the hell was that teacher doing all day? Was it just shitty magicians for seven hours?

12:23- Hop that train, Frosty, and live out every college student whoever read Kerouac’s fantasy.

12:43- Oh yeah, it’s a real neat way to travel. With all the theft, and violence, and rape, and risk of death. Why I might just hop a train home for Christmas this year!

12:55- WHAT THE FUCK! The little girl is hoping the train too! This is not going to end well, little girl.

13:08- Goodbye, Frosty. Goodbye, Coked-out Rabbit. Goodbye, Little Girl’s Innocence.

13:25- “Think nasty, think nasty, think nasty…” This girl is totally getting sold into sex slavery.

13:42- “A refrigerated box car is a splendid way to travel!” How was there not a huge spike in child disappearances after this aired? It was another 17 years before Punky Brewster tackled the damage this special caused.

14:05- That chill you feel isn’t just the cold, little girl.

15:10- There is some really Donner Party shit about to go down.

16:30- Thank God these woodland creatures were in the scouts!

17:31- Why didn’t you think of NOT PUTTING A CHILD IN A REFRDIGERATED BOXCAR before either?

18:12- Smart move, Magician. Apparently, magic prevents you from dying of exposure.

19:17- You are not the first to die a little at the hands of a blonde, Frosty.

19:25- Crash diets never work, Frosty.

20:04- If I was Santa I would be pretty pissed I had to bail out this stupid kid on the busiest day of the year. If my kid is ever in jail on a busy day I’m going to leave them there.

20:33- Ahh man, Frosty died. I told you not to crash diet and now you’re just like Anna Nicole Smith.

21:57- A friend that almost got you killed!

22:32- I’m going to guess that the Magician was going to get coal anyway.

23:00- I think you should make Frosty write, “I am very sorry for almost killing a little girl.” A hundred-zillion times.

23:32- “Happy Birthday!” He was dead for awhile. I have a feeling this time he may actually be brain damaged.

24:01- Santa dropped the little girl off on the roof? Hasn’t she been through enough already? She should be in a hospital for Christ sake.

24:15- Frosty returned every year. How many endangering the welfare of minor charges did he rack up? Well at least the song is catchy, “Oatmeal the snowman…”

Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas

I was recently waxing nostalgic about Saturday morning cartoons. As a kid, I would wake up before the sun came up like a tiny coal miner to settle in for a four hour onslaught of shows who’s main goal was to get me to buy cereal. People of my generation all have their favorites: Captain Planet, Ghostbusters, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, etc. I watched them all. The one that stands out that I always liked the best is Inspector Gadget probably because my aunt Bridgie used to have me watch old Get Smart episodes. Either way, he just was funnier than the rest. I was going across old episodes today when I found a gem for the holiday season, Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas. Being a fan of the show I can imagine that Gadget doesn’t really save Christmas. I’m sure Penny and Brain spend the whole episode propping Gadget up then at the end he takes all the credit. Damn, Inspector Gadget was a real prick.

0:16- Santa’s work shop doesn’t look very environmentally friendly. Is that the north pole or industrial China? I think I know why the ice caps are melting.

0:48- Santa wakes the elves by making their beds spring vertical and sings them a song. Santa is quite the benevolent dictator.

1:04- “Making toys for Santa is never work it’s play.” This is beginning to feel like a communist propaganda film.

1:45- Jesus, I forgot how much Dr. Claw sounds like a serial rapist.

1:59- Whoa, mind control. Whoever wrote this was really into their political science coarse.

2:10- That claw picked up Santa on its first try! Dr. Claw would clean up at a Wal-mart entrance.

2:14- “What’s going on?” What’s going on Santa is that the proletariat is rising up. Who knew Dr. Claw was a Marxist?

                                                          "Ho Ho Ho, Merry Revolution!"
2:26- With a voice like that Dr. Claw shouldn’t say things like, “Watch the children of the world get my special toys.”

2:40- Oh man. Dr. Claw wasn’t liberating the elves he is just using them for his personal gain. The dream of a classless society is just that, a dream.

4:04- Dammit! They didn’t use the regular theme song for the Christmas episode! Quick break to you tube it and get my fix… and we’re back.

4:32- Has anyone checked Gadget’s I.Q.? He is pulling some real downsy shit with this visit to the mall Santa.

4:47- Gadget had a cell phone in the mid-80’s? I assume he has a DeLorean and a hidden coke problem too. “Go Go Gadget Nostrils!”

5:00- The chief revealed he isn’t the real Santa. Did the writers remember this was a show for kids? How many Christmases did this episode ruin? I thought it was bad when my cousin Shea found out Santa wasn’t real on Christmas and told everyone.

5:46- Nice black-face, Chief.

6:11- Holy shit! Gadget’s cop car really is a DeLorean! Man, I’m good. Any second now Gadget should get Penny into “modeling” and then head to a night club.

7:29- I’m sure spending Christmas at Santa’s village really is a dream come true for young Penny. I bet the holidays are hard on an orphan.

9:00- Gadget shouldn’t leave Penny unattended for too long in the factory or Dr. Claw will put her to work. Tiny hands really do make a great pair of Nikes.

                                    I wonder what their favorite Saturday morning cartoons were?
9:58- Got him with the claw on the first try again! Dr. Claw you don’t need to take over this factory you can get all your holiday shopping done with just a few quarters.

11:31- Lax labor standards, defective toys, a RICKSHAW! This isn’t the North Pole it really is industrial China.

12:45- Arresting the victimized real Santa under false pretenses, Gadget really is a cop. I’m just waiting for him to say, “Go Go Evidence Destroyer” and then beat the shit out of Santa.

13:10- My money is on Santa using the gadget phone to call his lawyer.

14:03- Poor Penny, another ruined Christmas spent alone in a dark confined space.

14:53- Brain just blew Lassie out of the water.

15:25- All this because Santa didn’t get you the toy you wanted? Have a little perspective, Dr. Claw. I better your daddy never hugged you growing up either.

16:17- Damn, Gadget. Ever heard of Habeas Corpus?

18:09- Dingle Bells? Gross.

18:56- Brain makes Scooby Doo sound like Teddy Roosevelt.

20:42- You really want to ruin Christmas, Dr. Claw? Why don’t you just show up late and drunk or try to kill yourself? It's so obvious.

21:42- This is the worst Christmas you’ve ever had?! I’ll share some stories with you that will make your failed plot look pretty manageable.

22:42- It’s a Christmas miracle! The real miracle would be finding Penny a suitable guardian.

The Bad Girl's Club Season 7 Episode 9

I was about to write a diary of an episode of Saved By the Bell when I noticed that this blog was straying into full retro mode. So, for posterity’s sake, I am about to watch an episode of the infamous reality show The Bad Girl’s Club. I don’t watch any reality T.V. outside of the first couple seasons of Jersey Shore. Thankfully my sister watches enough bad TLC reality programming around the clock for the both of us. I’ve heard this show is outrageous. From what I understand it’s an even trashier The Real World. Today I am going to watch the ninth episode from the seventh season. Yeah, that’s right. They are on season seven! So let’s enter the club house. I hope I know the secret password, my guess is: “Bitch! Open the fucking door!” Holy shit! I was right.

0:12- Whoa! Twelve seconds in and apparently there was a huge fight on the previous episode that led to one of the characters joining “Team Shelly.” I didn’t know there were teams on this show. How do they keep score? Yelling at the top of your lungs= 1 point. Pulling at a weave= 3 points. Bitch slap=6 points.

0:55- “Some drama is about to happen! I’m going to make some cereal!” I love this show already.

1:03- …and then she throws the cereal on a sleeping woman. What a waste of Honey Nut Cheerios. If this chick was a real gangsta she would’ve used hot soup. That would’ve been worth 100 points.

1:45- This show is on Oxygen? Wasn’t this suppose to be a channel about female empowerment? Gloria Steinem is weeping.

1:59- Ah Hahahahaha! The chick didn’t wake up from getting hit with the cereal. This girl probably got pranked the most in college. Alright, college maybe a stretch unless it was Everest College.

2:09- “Bitch, I’m awake now!” is how I’m greeting everyday from here on out.

2:24- Cereal Girl is cleaning up mad points right now. Punching and hair pulling at the same time! Ohh kick to the face! Man I underestimated this show when I came up with scoring. I need an intern to tally points for me.

2:39- You’re Jesus, huh? Be careful with that talk fish lips, ask John Lennon how that worked out for him.

2:49- “Goodnight, Bitch!” is how I’m going to bed everyday from here on out.

3:02- Have the cops been there the whole time? This show has to have the police on retainer.

4:46- “The true story of when a handful of strippers live in the same house. See what happens when skanks stop being polite and start saying ‘Bitch!’”

6:07- Oh no, the cereal girl is leaving. Is it weird that I think she was kind of hot? If I was in the NBA she would be the mistress that destroys my marriage.

7:10- Does anyone else find it a little inappropriate that a bunch of black girls live in a former plantation in New Orleans?

8:34- Don’t worry about your swollen face, Judi, it wasn’t much to look at to begin with.

9:12- I wish they were using that fast forward effect through the whole episode.

11:28- I love the way Audrey says, “guuuuuurrl.”

13:21- The white girls went to a nice wine bar and the ethnic girls went to a run down soul food restaurant. We haven’t come that far America. I have a dream… That one day bitches and skanks of all colors will get drunk together… For the sake of terrible television… That they be judged not on the color of their skin… But on the length of their weave… I have a dream.

14:07- These girls are complaining that one of the girls doesn’t start enough shit? What kind of reality is this?

15:59- Ohh shit. Both cliques end up at the same club! I smell a shoot out at the Bourbon Heat Corral.

18:05- “Keep that flower covering your busted ass weaver, bitch” is how I’m complimenting my lady friends from here on out.

18:29- The shoes come off! Another throw down! Someone wake the cop sleeping in the basement!

19:25- Ahh man, the chicks breaking up the fight before it happens has to be a breach of contract.

21:28- Angi is totally the chief between the tribes.

22:37- …Unless that bitches bed is covered in Cheerios and milk.

23:29- Because you are the authority on health, bitch.

24:48- She’s a guy? A goth? Witch craft? Rockstar? You got all that from a picture? Someone get this chick a job with the FBI.

26:10- Guuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrl. I love it almost as much as Clay Davis’s “Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!” Man, if he was on this show I think the universe would fall in on itself.

                                          "Guuuurl? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!"
27:42- This new girl seems way too nice and well adjusted to be on this show. A bitch in ladies clothing?

30:33- Dammit! I didn’t come up with points for throwing a drink in someone’s face. How could I have been so short sighted?

31:45- These girls arguing about who has class is like my family arguing about who doesn't have a drinking problem.

33:31- “I have a lot of different styles: Hippie, skater, punk, cowgirl…” Just barely missed on your predictions, Tiara. I’m sure goth was next in line.

34:20- Yes! They are going to the strip club! We will now witness the bad girls in their natural environment.

34:51- It barely took 30 seconds before one of them got on stage and took her top off. Talk about Pavlov’s dog…

35:13- Awwww. For the first time all episode everyone is getting along. They truly are the sisterhood of the taking off your pants.

37:06- Ahh shit, another fight is about to break out. It’s too bad, I was enjoying the tranquility of the strip club. I’m pretty sure that is the first and last time that sentence will every be said.

37:37- “I’m not crazy, I just chill.” I think the new girl was miscast.

39:39- Isn’t every room the “whore room” in the Bad Girl's Clubhouse?

41:00- On bad girl telling the other she has a drinking problem is the pot calling the kettle drunk.

42:36- You want to know why Jesus doesn’t answer? Because this show is proof God doesn’t exist.