Are You There, Chelsea? Season 1 Pilot

I grew up in a family were there was a T.V. in every room and it was always on. Today when I go to my Dad’s house I can stand in one particular spot and hear a terrible TLC reality show, a terrible History Channel reality show, and a terrible MTV reality show all at once. It’s a bit maddening. However, this culture of compulsive T.V. consumption has led me to this blog today. Looking back I can’t believe some of the shit I used to watch. I actually watched the first season of The Tracy Morgan Show. I didn’t even like it, but it was on and I didn’t want to do homework. Today, in this video-on-demand, Netflix instant stream world I rarely watch anything consistently I don’t like, unless my roommate is in the throes of a Star Trek: Deep Space Nine binge, and I certainly don’t watch new multi-camera network sitcoms. Given the universal disdain of NBC’s new Wednesday comedy block I figured this would be the perfect time to reconnect with my roots and watch the pilot of NBC’s latest wrong move, Are You There, Chelsea? I have a feeling by the end of this I will be reaching for the vodka.

0:24- Twenty-four seconds in and they already cued up the laugh track. This is going to be rough.

0:36- The tall chick from That 70s Show has had some work done.

0:54- Whoa. A girl-on-what-I-assume-is-a-girl kiss. Sooooo edgy for 1995. Wait, it’s what year? I never would have known given the first minute of this show.

1:43- Chelsea Handler in a brown wig not playing Chelsea Handler while the tall chick from That 70s Show plays Chelsea Handler. This won’t be distracting at all.

3:02- What? No, classic sitcom theme song?! If you are going to play up painfully dated sitcom stereotypes you can at least give me my favorite part! I could write one for you write now, NBC. She's young and kind of hot. And she likes to drink a lot. Are you there, Chelsea? When life gets her down. She shots some Crown. Are you there, Chelsea? You’re welcome.

4:27- I’m sure it was you both wanting to be on top that kept you and the handsome haired bartender from hooking up. Not whiskey dick, nope, just your shared affinity for being able to watch T.V. while you bone.

4:37- They are fighting over who gets to answer the phone. Who are they The Animaniacs?

5:31- Well what do you know? Chelsea gets a DUI and now an apartment a block away from the bar is available. When God closes a door he enables an alcoholic.

6:06- It’s good to see Kimmy Gibbler is still getting work.

6:48- “It’s giving me lady wood.” I think there may have been another reason things didn’t work out between her and the bartender.

7:10- “I was such an idiot to major in journalism.” You and I both, girlfriend. You want to start a blog with me?

7:35- Kimmy Gibbler telling the interrupting cow knock-knock joke was by far the best joke on this show.

7:57- Man, Lenny Clarke has had some work done too. What’s up, Tommy Bahama?

9:08- Hand job joke! Man, that is sooo edgy for 2002. Wait, what year is it again?

12:40- I’m beginning to think Kimmy Gibbler had a head injury.

13:18- Using Pikachu as a vagina euphemism just ruined Pokemon for all the people who have never seen a Pikachu.

13:48- And once again we have two Chelseas on screen. Hey, that’s not a bad idea for a T.V. show. Like Patty Duke. Hey, if you’re going to make a dated sitcom might as well go full on with it.

                      It's going to take something a lot stronger than a hot dog to get Chelsea to lose control.

16:20- “It’s been awhile since my bottom half smiled.” I bet not as long as my top half.

18:46- A prom dumpster baby joke. That is sooo edgy for- jesus, that’s just crass.

19:29- Awwwww, she named the baby Sylvia. What a coincidence, because this show makes me want to put my head in an oven.

19:55- So, I guess their mom is dead? Does this show have some depth? Oh wait, poop joke. Never mind.

20:56- It’s a sad day when the thing I liked best about a show is Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” playing at the end of it.

21:29- Ahhh shucks. It’s the androgynous coach from Glee that Chelsea made out with in jail. I do love a happy ending.

227 Season 2 Episode 22 "Check Snub"

Today I am going to watch 227. Now, I could have gone on Wikipedia and read about the show then pretended like I remembered watching it growing up to flash my false pop culture street cred, but I won’t do that. Mainly, because the internet is on a protest. That and what kind of relationship would we have, readers, if I lied to all two of you in this space? So here is what I do know about the show, one of the stars is Jackée. That’s it. But really, is there anything else I need to know. Oh how I miss the sassy antics of Jackée popping up on every barely watchable TV show and movie from the early 90’s. Who can forget her annoying whine? Not I dear reader, not I.

0:16- Hot Damn! This is a classic 80’s theme song. I love this show already. I think the lady starring is from The Jeffersons.

0:22- I didn’t know Carl Weathers had a brother.

0:29- Jackée is the fourth credited actor and her last name is Harry? I feel misled.

0:39- Awww damn. Regina King! I guess she wasn’t always sipping OE.

1:09- Less than 10 seconds in and already Jackée fires off a sassy one-liner. Phew, I was worried when she didn’t get a credit in the first three bars of the theme song.

1:41- From what I can tell Jackée is Blanch of this show and by that I mean slut.

2:00- It’s so sad when someone’s food stamps run out.

2:07- Oh, I was wrong the old bird’s social security check hasn’t arrived yet. At least they are tackling issues the African-American community can identify with. And that wasn’t racists because I said African-American.

2:46- How come people aren’t friendly and on a first name basis with their mailmen anymore? Were they ever or is this one the great myths perpetrated by TV like a fat guy can be married to a hot chick or fathers are emotionally available?

3:48- This old bird is showing signs of dementia.

4:09- Well compared to this lady in the Social Security office, she seems completely sane.

6:32- So far we have learned that Jackée’s character is a fan of leopard print clothing and goes on a lot of dates. Tremendous character development on this show. I’m sure a young Matthew Weiner was taking notes.

9:19- Ahhhh the subtle discrimination of the U.S. government.

10:02- There you go ladies! Take the power back! Burn it down, BURN. IT. DOWN!

10:22- Oh no the cops! I bet Jackée isn’t the first black person to be arrested just for saying “Hi.”

10:24- A Brief Intermission Update: Alright, guys. Listen. The acting is so bad on this show that its getting hard for me to make fun of it. I didn’t think I would ever say this, but I think I met my match. 227 may have bested me. (Sigh) …. Hmmm… Well… You know what? Fuck that. I did a whole diary on Rachel Ray’s 30 Minute Meals. I can handle this. Bring it on, black Golden Girls!

10:47- 3/4th of the women in this jail cell are black. A sad, yet accurate portray of our social inequalities… And big punchline, cue laugh track. Hahahahaha! Oh 80’s sitcoms, you’re incorrigible.

11:51- If they go to prison Jackée will have the nicest cell, if you know what I’m saying (wink).

12:41- Don’t worry Jackée, there will be plenty of guards to sleep with in prison.

13:19-Jackée has to have bulimia considering how often she is eating and talking about food and going dates.

15:01- Oh shit, the media is involved now. This has the making off a good ol’ fashioned race war. Race! War! Race! War! Race! War!

16:08- Mr. Roger’s is here to save the day!

16:26- Ahhh he was just a member of the intimidating Senior Citizen’s Task Force. Oooooooooo I heard they’re rougher than the Teamsters.

17:36- Yes, because if there was one thing President Regan cared about most it was the misfortunes of the black community.

18:31- Civil Disobedience didn’t die in the 60’s for the lady from The Jeffersons.

21:23- Sick satin Redskins jacket, Carl Weathers’ brother.

22:58- So far we have learned that Jackée’s character is a fan of leopard print clothing, goes on a lot of dates, and now has a desire to get into TV news. Soooo many layers!

23:31- The check was made out to the lady from The Jeffersons and not the old bird. Zing! I guess they will never catch a break… And cue laugh track, roll credits. 80’s sitcoms you do it every time!

Alfred Hitchcock Presents Season 4 Episode 25 "The Kind Waitress"

It was way easier to be fat back in the “Old Days.” Sure, Americans are waaaay fatter now, but fat people in the public eye are, by and large, marginalized. Whenever an overweight person over comes our collective vanity and rises to fame (eg. Jennifer Hudson) they then lose a bunch of weight. This confuses me for a number of reasons. First of all, the fact that fat people are chastised in one of the fattest countries in the world proves that, as Americans, we hate ourselves. Secondly, if you are a fat American and somehow manage to succeed in the public eye, STAY FAT! You have the power now. Put on your muumuu and fat guy hat, you earned it. You never saw a slimmed down Fatty Arbuckle on billboards. He was too busy enjoy the spoils of his fame. You think WWII would have ended well if Winston Churchill spent half the day in the gym? Hitler was a thin, vegetarian and was crushed by the Allied forces. Probably could have used a little more fat and protein. And how weird would it be to see a svelte Alfred Hitchcock fail to fill in his outline on Alfred Hitchcock Presents? Today I felt the need to celebrate the rotund and am going to watch an episode called, “The Kind Waitress.”  I bet she didn’t judge, America, every time Hitchock ordered another full pie for himself.

                                                          Losing weight is for the birds.

0:13- This theme music sounds like how a fat guy would walk.

0:42- All three men on screen are wearing suits and Hitchock says, “As you can see, informality is the rule.” Man times have changed. The only time I see three men in a suit is at a wedding, funeral, or a job interview I’m not qualified for.

1:02- His favorite part is that, “No one pays any attention to you.” Hitchock was quite the diva.

1:17- One minute appetizer? That sounds like a terrible Applebees promotion.

1:52- Is this a costume department snafu or did all servers wear the “drunk-at-3-am-diner waitress” uniform in the 60’s?

1:54- Employees are having a conversation of concern over a regular that hasn’t showed up yet. Sadly, I had this exact same conversation yesterday at work. Some day you’ll make me a star blog, some day.

1:57- Thank God, she came. Call off the APB!

2:46- No, I just sell it to teens.

2:55- “I’m 38, pretty old for a child.” Yeah, pretty old for a waitress too.

3:08- Yeah, go ahead and grab a seat during the dinner rush! This chick is soooo getting fired.

4:48- The waitress is the rich old ladies only benefactor? Man, and I was thrilled with a $15 tip yesterday.

5:10- Goddamn, the clarinet was cool. How come no one plays it anymore besides old dudes outside of baseball stadiums?

6:10- “A six piece combo and me on a licorice stick!” Is that some sort of 60’s sex euphemism?

7:05- This chick brought you a roast beef sandwich and is going out to buy you beer for only a kiss, but you won’t marry her until she actually gets the inheritance? You are making Don Draper look Ward Clever, Licorice Man.

7:28- “You know some night she is going to die right in the middle of dinner?” I guess the Tiramisu really was to die for. Zing!

8:50- I know they wanted Licorice Man to sound nefarious when he said, “She is taking much too long to die.” But anyone who has ever had a family member in a nursing home has heard that phrase numerous times. The high cost of barely living…

9:16- Is this guy talking about death panels? Lousy democrat.

9:46- This guy is way too experienced with Munchausen techniques.

10:48- Ahhhh, the good ol’ days when men could tell women to just shut up and not get their dicks cut off.

12:14- This guy was making meth waaaaaaaaay before Walt White got cancer.

15:39- If a dying lady gets that dressed up it only means one thing, she ordered a gigolo.

16:56- “I’m taking back my picture.” HAHA! Dating rituals sure have changed.

19:48- “I’m not a child! I’m 38 years old!” I had no idea Mike Gundy  was a fan of Hitchcock.

20:12- Well, there went your tip.

22:35- I’ve seen enough episodes of Law & Order to know how this hearing is going to play out. I’m sure with your 20+ years of serving experience they set you with a nice job in the prison cafeteria.

23:43- WHHHHAAAAT! The “poison” they were giving her was the only thing keeping her alive! What a switch. Suck on that M. Night Shamalamadingdong.