Charles in Charge Season 1 Episode 16 "Snowed In"

Most teen heart throbs don’t age well. For every Jason Bateman there are at least three Ralph Macchios. It’s hard to remember that Scott Baio was the bees knees long before he was single or writing law blogs. Charles in Charge was Baio’s last gasp as a teen idol. The premise of the show by today’s standards, in the post-Sandusky world, is absurd. Remember back in the good ol’ days when you would let a stranger live in your house with your young kids? It was a simpler and handsier time. Truth be told, I don’t have much of a recollection of the show beyond the theme song and it serving as a distraction from the boredom of my grand folk’s house. Scanning through the first season I came across episode sixteen entitled “Snowed In.” This seemed like an obvious choice to watch. I can only imagine the hilarity that ensues when the whole cast is locked in a house together. So let’s fall in line, because Charles is in charge.

                                                              What happened, Chachi?
0:05- Yeah! “New boy in the neighborhood. Lives downstairs and it’s understood. He’s there to take good care of me, like he’s one of the family… I WANT CHARLES IN CHARGE OF ME!!” In retrospect, this theme makes Charles sound like a controlling and abusive boyfriend. He’s in charge on your days and your nights? Give ‘em some space, Charles. Still catchy as hell, though.

1:37- I wonder in the mid 80’s if Willie Aames and Baio knew that some day they would have people laughing at their misfortune on VH1 reality shows?

2:03- I think Buddy wandered over to the Cosby Show set and stole on of the Coz’s sweaters.

2:25- Jesus, that is a lot of teen girls and Charles is a college freshman. There had to be some secret, booze fueled rendezvous.

2:48- Ug. I hate these girls already. High school girls are the worst. I probably never got over not getting laid in high school

3:30- Damn, Douglas. You’re dressed like an uber-hipster. I bet you’re about to run up stairs to listen to some vinyl and work on your blog--oh, um, never mind. I bet you’re pretty cool. Follow me on twitter, man.

3:53- Never mind, Douglas is just an old school nerd, like, before it was all cool and shit.

4:13- God damn, look at that remote. That thing could be a weapon in Clue, “It was Buddy in the living room with the clicker!”

4:20- It’s SNOWMAGEDON! In 1985! Take that Al Gore.

4:42- This kid’s teacher is using astrology to teach about the planets? Does she use fortune cookies to teach philosophy? What kind of granola munching school does this kid go to?

5:42- Whoa, Kathy Ireland. I unsuccessfully attempted to masturbate to her SI swimsuit cover when I was nine. Kathy is such an odd name for a model. Not Kathryn or Kate or even Kat just Kathy. No way that would happen today with the Giselles and Naomis.

7:18- I have never seen a movie theater employee take their job this seriously. Normally, it’s just half stoned slackers and the fat guy in his 30’s that still live at home.

8:29- Dark secret?! What could it be? You were adopted? Embezzlement? Weird sex photos?! Is it sex photos?! Please let it be the photos.

8:57- Ahhh man. The parents were saving money for the two older kids but not the youngest. What a let down of a dark secret.

11:28- Snowed in with no heat! This is starting to play out like a Sartre short story.

14:04- The youngest kid has the passive aggression of an old Jewish mother.

15:10- That’s all?! Listen little lady, over the past few years I would have killed to have ONLY tuna casserole and cold cuts in the fridge. Hell, right now all I have in the fridge is one can of PBR and mostly expired condiments. And you know what? I bet I can come up with a soup out of that. Damn spoiled high school girls, they’re the worst!

16:02- Damn, Charles. You could have at least fried the bologna. Throw a little mustard on there and you have a tasty treat. I thought you were in college, man. These people have no idea how to live poor.

18:28- If Chase had it their way you would have that credit card, little Douglas.

19:02- One snowstorm and these girls are acting like petty hobos. The worst, I say, the worst!

19:53- …And that’s how every game of Monopoly ends.

20:18- Man, this is getting real existential.

21:30- Note to all aspiring writers, if you are a few pages short just have the characters act out a scene from something else.

22:31- Chachi, you’re my hero.

23:48- Wait a second, while these girls were freaking out they were going to die they could have just looked out the window and see the roads had been cleared? THE WORST! “…I want Charles in charge of me!”

Mr. Ed Season 1 Episode 1 "Pilot"

In the early days of T.V., viewers had a much larger suspension of disbelief than we do today. Probably, because the concept of T.V. in and of itself was so mind blowing. “Identical cousins? I’ll buy it.” “An alien for a roommate? Sure.” “A woman running a news show?! No fucking way! Ahh what the hell, why not.” “A wife who is a witch?”--all right, well maybe some weren’t that much of a stretch. One of the most outrageous concepts for a show was Mr. Ed. An architect owns a horse, outrageous to begin with, that can talk. What a dream to be a T.V. writer back in those days. If it were the early sixties I’m sure I would be a show runner by now after pitching Lazy Boy, a man develops a comfortable relationship with his talking recliner. Now let us dive into the show that is undoubtedly playing on a closed circuit loop in every nursing home in America.

                                                        We could have been stars, La-Z-Boy.

0:00- Hot damn this theme is catchy. Remember T.V. theme songs, kids? Just Saved By the Bell and Fresh Prince, well, at least you got two.

0:40- Whoa, did they get that set from Ed Wood’s dumpster?

2:00- I’m getting a real swinger vibe from this neighbor. Be careful, Wilbur, I don’t think this guy is down with the tenth commandment.

3:49- Nice rake gag, Side Show Bob.

4:40- Yep, this neighbor is a total swinger.

4:58- A horse was left by the previous owner?! No way that realtor is getting his full commission.

7:28- Damn, that horse has cerebral palsy.

8:47- It was a good try faking the injury, horse. But wifey is going to get Sarah McLaughlin on the phone… if your lucky. Oh wait, it’s 1960, that means she’s going to call Elmer’s or Purina.

9:58- Jesus! This neighbor is really into watching.

10:20- The neighbor is having some friends over tomorrow, eh. (wink)

11:04- The horse finally speaks! We are almost half way through the pilot, talk about burying the lead.

13:02- The rake hitting him in the head is why he thinks the horse can talk? If that were the test today to see if a guy has a concussion Troy Aikman would have died on the field in 2002.

13:32- “Come with me. You’ll hear it straight from the horses mouth!” Wow. I bet the entire series was created around that line.

14:19- Wilbur and the horse singing a duet. Now that’s an idea for the vaudeville circuit, lady. Yeah, that’s it. They will play all the big stages. I can see it now. Heck, they could take that act all the way to Carnegie Hall, see. Yeah, that’ll work just fine.

14:35- The horse only talks to Wilbur. I’m beginning to think Wilbur has a chemical imbalance.

17:27- Wilbur is the only one the horse liked enough to talk to? This horse is kind of a pretentious dick.

17:48- Yep, this horse is a total dick.

18:00- Mr. Ed acts like he is Wilbur’s shitty, bossy girlfriend.

19:05- Damn, Wilbur. You are too crazy for the neighbor’s swinger party.

19:31- Tape recorder isn’t a bad idea, Wilbur. One question, how are people going to know it’s the horse talking? It’s a shame, really. Today, Wilbur and Mr. Ed would be Youtube stars.

20:48- Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you, Mr. Ed. Nice to know I’m not the only one to notice Wilbur’s plan was terrible. Oh no. Now I’m talking to the horse. Quick! Where are my smelling salts?!

23:48- $2,000, no one thinks he is actually crazy, and he gets to go to the swinger party?! Man, everything is coming up Wilbur.

24:52- Ahhh, nice little episode wrap up. Everything worked out and now we are just killing time because there weren’t as many commercials in 1960 and-- damn, Mr. Ed is a dick.

ALF Season 4 Episode 3 "Wanted: Dead or Alive"

When I was a little kid I loved ALF. I had ALF pajamas and sheets. No t-shirts, toys, or even an ALF toothbrush; just jammies and bedspreads. I have never figured out why my love for ALF manifested itself exclusively in sleep apparel. You would think an alien life form that feasted on house pets would be the last think to ease a little boy into slumberland, but not for little Kev. Despite my early affinity for ALF, I don’t really remember much about the show outside of the fact that he loved to eat cats and he looked like an Ewok playing Cyrano de Bergerac. Now, thanks to the gods over at Hulu.com, I can watch every episode to jog my memory. So throw on your ALF PJs and grab your blankey as I revisit our old friend from Melmac.

"A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man."

0:00- ALF ruined a T.V. show by talking through it. I now know who to thank, ALF you are my biggest influence.

1:14- Looks like Willie Tanner went through a Warhol phase.

1:45- Was ALF making them watch his acting reel? Not only does this family have to put up with his shit they have to politely pretend he is a good actor.

2:38- Hey it’s Jerry Seinfelds mom!

3:27- It means going down on her, duh.

5:39- “Why didn’t I go away for college?” I don’t know terrible grades, broke family, a secret love affair with ALF? I’m going to go with the last one, there is already way to much sexual tension between the two of them.

6:00- Sweet tie dye shirt, brah! I’m beginning to think ALF isn’t an alien at all just “that” uncle.

8:53- $10,000! You can buy a lot of Tommy Bahama shirts with that kind of scratch nefarious neighbor.

9:05- Face transplant? ALF I was only kidding about the Cyrano crack earlier, you are beautiful my friend.

9:10- Ohhh, it’s for Willie. Wait a minute, didn’t they just complete the first face transplant a few years ago? (quick break for Wiki search) …aaaaand… The first successful face transplant was performed last year in Spain. If memory serves me correctly, however, I remember hearing something about a face swap in the 90’s involving Nick Cage and John Travolta.

9:56- ALF took all of Willie’s shoes. He is like raising an abused foster kid.

10:30- Whoa! David Allen Greer. He just called polygamy the biggest charge, hahaha! Willie Tanner would have his own awful reality show today.

11:58- At least there will be plenty of cats in that Chinese deli, ALF.

12:48- Damn, check out the pedophile convention in the interrogation room.

14:58- That guy is betting on himself to win the pool on who really is the perp, way to hedge your bets Charlie Hustle.

16:05- Willie is a social worker? So does that mean ALF really is an abused foster child?

17:00- By the looks of that shirt I’m going to guess Brian is a fan of dub step.

18:53- This is the sincerest human/alien moment on T.V. since Mindy kissed Mork.

20:05- Gaddafi joke. The first thing all episode that isn’t completely dated.

21:05- ALF throws on his Sammy Hagar wig and heads on down to the corner to listen to some rap music with the bros. What a wrap to an episode, I miss the lazy old days of sitcoms.

Twilight Zone Season 1 Ep. 16

Twilight zone. Season 1 Episode 16 “The Hitch Hiker”

Netflix has uploaded the entire Twilight Zone original series to their instant stream. I’ve watched a few and have fallen in love. The plot synopsis of the episodes alone are enough to get you to say, “What in the wooooooooooooorld?!!!”. This episode’s description recently caught my eye. So join me in the world of shadow and substance, of things and ideas as we cross over into The Twilight Zone…

0:00- Her name is Nan? I had a teacher in college named Nan. She taught Mountain Climbing. We all thought she was a lesbian

1:00- Her companion is terror? Her route is fear? Is she going on a road trip with my family?

1:00- Gas station service attendants in old shows and movies are way too happy for guys that pump gas all day.

2:00-The hitchhiker from before! Nan is puzzled. How did he catch up with her? How intriguing. Or as the station attendant pointed out, maybe he got a FUCKING ride!

4:00- But wait! No matter how fast she goes he is always ahead of her. The good ol’ days when hobos traveled more efficiently than old people on planes.

5:00- “It’s kind of lonely country out here.” I never would have guessed, diner employee, based on how you have been yammering on none stop to a stranger.

6:00- Uh oh. Construction and the hitch hiker is coming to the window!

7:00- Jesus, lady. Just pick the guy up already, he could be Jack Kerouac. But no, just drive around the construction barrier. Man, these roads are awfully nice for a construction zone.

8:00- The car stalled on the tracks! Classic. I feel like I am watching a Driver’s Ed video.

9:00- Was she dreaming or did she back over the tracks? Oh it was a vision. Some Final Destination shit.

10:00- She drove for three days and three nights, but only got through Tennessee to Arkansas. Remind me not to go on a road trip with this chick. She would be the world’s worst truck driver.

10:00- “Towns go by without names. Lands go by without forms.” Yeah, that’s because you are in rural Arkansas. What did you expect? Oceans? Mountains? People with teeth?

11:00- Is every protagonist of a Twilight Zone episode an undiagnosed schizophrenic?

12:00- If I learned anything from Texas Chainsaw Massacre it’s don’t trust a guy who runs a deserted gas station.

13:00- Holy shit! This attractive woman just told you there was a man following her and she thinks he is going to rob her. What’s your response, gas man? “If he does then come back and I’ll call the sheriff” I have a feeling rob was changed from rape by the network.

13:00- Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo, sailor!

14:00- Offering a sailor a free ride looking like that, do you want to get “robbed” lady?

14:00- Ahhhh, the spoils of being a man in uniform

15:00- This sailor was trying to hitchhike his way back to base and no one picked him up until now? We treat our armed service terribly in this country.

15:00- The sailor totally wants her panties for proof, just like Farmer Ted.

16:00- 45 mph?!?!?! That’s why it’s taking you a year to drive cross country. You might as well be traveling by covered wagon. Once, again remind me to NEVER go on a rode trip with this chick.

16:00- This dialogue is turning into an SAT math question.

17:00- She thinks the hitchhiker is real, so obviously she is trying to kill him.

18:00- This chick is not helping break down stereotypes about women drivers.

20:00- Yeah, sleep it off. That was a cure for the crazies back in the 60’s.

21:00- Whoa! Huge twist! That's some M. Night Shamalamadingdong shit right there.

22:00- I’ve drove through Pennsylvania before, I’d rather have been dead.

24:00- The lesson here kids, don’t try to move to L.A. Duh nun nun nun duh nun nun nun…

Hi, New Best Friend!

Thanks for checking out my new blog. The concept is simple. Do you enjoy hanging out with your friends and making fun of whats on T.V.? Awesome. Me too. I do it so much I figured, "Why only let my basset hound enjoy my clever remarks?" You may experience this blog however you like. You can read the posts out of context or throw on whatever I was watching at the time and follow along. Either way just don't forget to smirk when I throw out a humzinger like, "Why didn't they ever make How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2?"